Rules of Friendship

Do Opposite Sex Friendships Work?

First off, I just discovered this band called Alt-J and they are SO good! Listen to one of their tunes while reading this:

Now onto the topic of this post: opposite sex friends. Something we have all had to deal with and I'm sure many of you know it can be a sticky situation sometimes. So does it work? Can a man and a woman be friends without one having feelings for the other? The answer is yes, definitely. However, there are some rules to follow when you are in a serious relationship to ensure the friendship stays that way. Okay, maybe these "rules" are more like guidelines but I feel it can help you make the line very clear.

There are two different types of opposite sex friends you can have: the ones that were your friends before the relationship and the ones you make during the relationship. If this was someone that was your friend before the relationship then hopefully you've already worked out your potential for feelings and have overcome them. If this is a friend you've made during the relationship, TELL YOUR SO! You don't have to say "Hey honey, just so you know I made a friend today and he's a man (or she's a woman) and I don't even think they're attractive and you have nothing to worry about and I think they could be gay anyway and even if I was single I wouldn't go for them." No, you can just mention something from a conversation you've had with them. 

Regardless of the type, try following these guidelines:

Guideline 1: Introduce them to Your SO

This should be no problem for you...ever. If your relationship is healthy and the friendship is just that, then this is the easiest thing to do. If you feel you can't introduce them to your SO, you need to re-evaluate your feelings.

Guideline 2: Leave the Friendship Where it Should Be

Wherever you know the friend from (work, school, an extra curricular activity) leave the friendship there. As soon as you make the extra effort to see a friend one-on-one outside the time you normally see them, that's when it can lead to extra feelings. For example, it is completely convenient to grab lunch with a work friend but takes effort to meet for a coffee at 8 pm somewhere half way across the city. Of course there are expectations, but I think a good rule of thumb is to do group hangouts where your SO and friends can all hangout. 

Guideline 3: Never, EVER, Put the Friend Before the SO

There is a reason you're with your SO. They have something that you didn't find in someone else and should always come before any OS friends. Now I'm not saying your SO has to be number one priority all the time.... I'm just saying that telling your SO that you're going out with another man/woman when they want/need you can be damaging to your relationship. 

Just a couple things to remember:

1. This is opposite sex friends

2. A lot of it pertains to one-on-one interactions (group hangouts that include the friend doesn't always have to include the SO, but it's still nice to invite them)

My relationship means the world to me, as I'm sure yours does to you. But I do notice some relationships head down a rocky road for this very reason. So if you find yourself in this situation, I hope these guidelines can steer you in the right direction.

-Vanessa xo